PRAYER - Pray Before You Say It

There are moments in marriage when I know exactly what I want to say to Bill. In fact, sometimes I have already had the entire conversation in my head before he even knows there is a conversation coming. I know what bothered me, why it bothered me, what I think he should have done differently, and probably how I think he should respond when I tell him. 😂 But I am learning that knowing what I want to say doesn't always mean I am ready to say it.

One of the pillars of Pamper Your Marriage is Prayer, and usually when we think about praying for our marriage, we think about praying for our spouse. We pray for God to protect them, guide them, bless them, strengthen them, and help them grow. Those prayers are important, but lately I have been thinking about another way prayer can protect our marriages.

What if we prayed before we said it?

Before I bring it to Bill, I bring it to God.

TALK TO GOD FIRST

Marriage gives another person incredible access to our heart, which means our spouse also has the ability to hurt, disappoint, frustrate, or simply annoy us in ways that other people can't. When that happens, my first instinct may be to address it immediately. After all, communication is important in marriage, and I certainly don't believe we should bury our feelings or pretend something doesn't bother us.

But there is a difference between communicating honestly and reacting emotionally.

James 1:19-20 says,

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”

That little phrase, slow to speak, gets me.

Sometimes slowing down long enough to pray gives the Lord an opportunity to deal with my heart before I try to deal with Bill's. Maybe what happened really does need to be addressed. Prayer doesn't mean avoiding difficult conversations. It means inviting God into the conversation before it begins.

When I bring the situation to Him first, He may change what I say. He may change how I say it. He may show me that the timing isn't right. He may help me see something from Bill's perspective that I hadn't considered. He may reveal that part of what I'm feeling has more to do with something going on inside of me than with what Bill actually did. And yes, sometimes He may even show me that it doesn't need to be said at all.

PRAYER ISN'T ABOUT CHANGING BILL FIRST

This may be the harder part.

It is very easy to pray, Lord, please show Bill that I am right. 😂

But that isn't really what I mean by praying before I say it.

The prayer is more like, Lord, show me what is true here. Search my heart. Help me understand his. Give me wisdom about whether I need to address this and, if I do, help me speak in a way that honors You and loves my husband.

Psalm 139:23-24 says,

“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

That's a very different prayer. Instead of asking God to prepare Bill for what I have to say, I am asking God to prepare me. There may still be a difficult conversation afterward. There may still be something that needs to change. Prayer doesn't automatically make the issue disappear, but it can change the spirit I carry into the conversation. And that can change everything.

HOW DOES THE LORD PAMPER THE CHURCH THROUGH PRAYER?

When I think about how the Lord pampers His Bride through prayer, I think about the incredible invitation we have been given to come directly to Him. We don't have to carry every hurt, question, fear, or frustration alone.

Hebrews 4:16 tells us to

“approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

Before we respond, we can go to Him. Before we make assumptions, we can go to Him. Before hurt becomes bitterness or frustration turns into words we wish we could take back, we have access to the One who sees the entire situation clearly. What a beautiful way the Lord cares for His Bride. He gives us a safe place to pour out what is in our hearts, and then He gives us grace and wisdom for what comes next. Maybe that is one of the ways prayer pampers our marriages too. God becomes the first place we process instead of making our spouse absorb the first wave of our emotions.

I want to develop a new habit in my own marriage:

Before I bring it to Bill, I bring it to God.

Not so I can avoid talking to my husband. Not so I can spiritualize away my feelings. And definitely not so I can gather enough Scriptures to prove my point. 😂

I want to pray because I love Bill enough to want my words to help our marriage rather than simply release whatever I am feeling in the moment.

Proverbs 15:1 tells us,

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

 Sometimes the difference between those two responses may simply be the time we spent with God before opening our mouth.

THIS WEEK'S PAMPER CHALLENGE

The next time something bothers you about your spouse, resist the urge to address it immediately. Take it to the Lord first. Tell Him exactly what you're feeling - He can handle the unedited version. Then give Him enough room to speak to your heart too.

Ask Him: Is what I'm believing true? Is there something I am not seeing? Does this need to be addressed? Is now the right time? How can I say what needs to be said with both truth and love?

Then listen.

You may still need to have the conversation. In fact, prayer may give you the courage to address something you have been avoiding. But hopefully, when you do speak, you will enter the conversation wanting reconciliation more than vindication.

I know Bill and I will continue to have moments when one of us frustrates the other. That's marriage. But I want to become better at remembering that there are actually three of us involved in every conversation - Bill, me, and the Lord.

So before I say it to Bill, I want to say it to Him.

P - Prayer.

Pray before you say it.

Remember: Your marriage does not need to be perfect, it just needs to be pampered.

If you'd like to go deeper into the seven biblical pillars that have strengthened our marriage, Pamper Your Marriage is available on our website. For a limited time, the book is only $15, and the companion workbook is $10. Whether you're married, dating, single, or investing in other relationships, these biblical principles can help you build stronger, healthier connections centered on Christ.

📖 Pamper Your Marriage is available in paperback and Kindle on Amazon, and our website🌐Learn more at www.PamperYourMarriage.org