ENCOURAGE YOURSELF - Your Spouse Is Not Your Savior

I have been thinking about something that I believe can quietly put a lot of pressure on a marriage. We marry someone we love, and naturally, we want that person to be the one who comforts us, encourages us, understands us, notices when something is wrong, and knows just what to say when we're struggling. There is nothing wrong with wanting those things from our spouse. Part of the beauty of marriage is having someone beside you to walk through life with. But somewhere along the way, if we're not careful, we can begin expecting our spouse to meet needs they were never created to meet.

One of the pillars of Pamper Your Marriage is Encourage Yourself in the Lord, and I think this may be one of the most misunderstood pillars. At first, it almost sounds like the opposite of marriage. Shouldn't my husband encourage me? Shouldn't I encourage him? Absolutely! We should be one another's greatest encouragers. But there will also be days when Bill doesn't recognize what I need. There will be days when he is tired, distracted, carrying something of his own, or simply doesn't have the words I was hoping to hear.

And there will be days when I do the same thing to him. That doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong with our marriage. It means we married another human being.

That's a Lot to Ask of One Person

Without realizing it, we can place some pretty heavy expectations on our spouse. We want them to make us happy, make us feel secure, recognize when we're hurting, reassure us when we're questioning ourselves, and somehow know what we need without us having to explain it. Then when they don't respond the way we hoped, disappointment can quickly become resentment.

I've had to learn that Bill can love me deeply and still not be able to fill every empty place in me. In the same way, I can love Bill with my whole heart and still not be everything he needs every moment of every day.

The truth is, my husband was never meant to be my Savior. I already have One.

There is actually freedom in realizing that. When I stop expecting Bill to do what only Jesus can do, I can appreciate Bill for the man God created him to be instead of constantly measuring him against needs he was never designed to fulfill.

One of my favorite pictures of this is found in 1 Samuel 30. David knew where to go when he was in an incredibly painful situation. The people around him were grieving, angry, and even talking about stoning him. Scripture says David was greatly distressed, but then we read something powerful:

“But David found strength in the LORD his God.” - 1 Samuel 30:6

David had to know where to go when there wasn't another person available to lift him up.

I think we need that in marriage too.

There are moments when I need to be able to open God's Word and remind myself what He says about me. I need to pray when my emotions are telling me something different from the truth. I need to remember God's faithfulness when circumstances make me afraid. I need to worship when I'm discouraged and allow the Lord to strengthen me from the inside out.

That doesn't push Bill away. Actually, I believe it makes me a healthier wife because I am coming to my marriage to give and receive love, not asking my husband to carry the responsibility of being the source of my identity, peace, joy, and worth.

HOW DOES THE LORD PAMPER THE CHURCH THROUGH ENCOURAGEMENT?

This is where I see the beauty of this pillar so clearly.

The Lord doesn't leave His Bride dependent upon another person to tell her who she is. He has given us His Word, His Spirit, His presence, and His promises. When the voices around us are quiet, His voice is still speaking. When another person doesn't recognize what we're carrying, He does. When we feel overlooked, He sees us. When we're depleted, we can come back to Him and allow Him to fill us again.

That is one of the beautiful ways the Lord pampers His Bride. He becomes our Source.

And when I allow Him to be my Source, something changes in my marriage. I can receive Bill's encouragement as a gift rather than demanding it as my lifeline. I can enjoy his affection without asking it to determine my worth. I can appreciate the ways he loves me without becoming consumed by the ways he sometimes misses what I need.

And maybe even more importantly, I have more to give him because I'm not constantly waiting for him to fill me first.

This Week's PAMPER Challenge

This week, pay attention to the expectations you are placing on your spouse. When you're disappointed because they didn't notice something, didn't say what you hoped they would say, or didn't respond the way you wanted, ask yourself a gentle question: Am I asking my spouse for something right now that I first need to receive from the Lord?

Then go to Him.

Open His Word. Pray. Worship. Sit quietly in His presence. Remind yourself of what you already know to be true. Let the Lord encourage your heart before deciding what your spouse did or didn't do means about your marriage.

And then, by all means, talk to your spouse. Tell them what you need. Encourage each other. Comfort each other. Carry one another's burdens. That's part of the beautiful gift of marriage. We just don't have to ask one another to take the place that belongs to God.

I love having Bill beside me. I love that God gave me a husband to walk through this life with, and I want us to continue becoming better at encouraging one another. But I also want both of us to know where to go when the other simply doesn't have what we need.

E - Encourage Yourself.

Your spouse can be your partner, your encourager, your companion, your best friend, and one of God's greatest gifts in your life. But your spouse doesn't have to be your Savior. You already have One.

Remember: Your marriage does not need to be perfect, it just needs to be pampered.

If you'd like to go deeper into the seven biblical pillars that have strengthened our marriage, Pamper Your Marriage is available on our website. For a limited time, the book is only $15, and the companion workbook is $10. Whether you're married, dating, single, or investing in other relationships, these biblical principles can help you build stronger, healthier connections centered on Christ.

📖 Pamper Your Marriage is available in paperback and Kindle on Amazon, and our website🌐Learn more at www.PamperYourMarriage.org